dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
