saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
