wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
