Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Can't talk, ducks in the car
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
