I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
