Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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