you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
