I am midnight drunk by noon
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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