did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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