Apparently you make a good broom.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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