It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I want a musical about memes.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
