im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
