About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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