The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
