I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
