matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
