Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
