Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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