??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Randomize
