By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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