I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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