remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Come see our sink grown plant.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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