I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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