You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
