So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
