Church boner. Awkwardddd
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
