I have demons in me.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
