when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
