i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Randomize
