dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
