She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
