I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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