he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
