Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
