I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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