seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
The air was thick with penises
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
