party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
