there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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