all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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