I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
