he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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