I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
that may or may not have been my penis.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
