Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
