I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
