I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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