We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
