Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
