He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
