saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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