I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
