Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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