guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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