i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Randomize
