You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
