i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
